Outsource executive oversight of your child's developmental P&L. All tiers are fictional. The $0 tier is the only one we actually endorse.
Tier 0 — Casual Caregiver
$0/ mo
Status: catastrophic mediocrity exposure
Unstructured love (unaudited, unlogged, non-deductible)
Zero (0) developmental KPIs tracked
Child may enjoy an afternoon with no measurable outcome
Public "good job!" fines assessed at full retail
Access to the free tantrum hotline hold music only
Tier 2 — Fractional CPO
$4,900/ mo
Status: acceptable trajectory
Dedicated Chief Parenting Officer, 12 hrs/week
Weekly nap-margin review with slide deck
Quarterly milestone re-forecast and downside scenario
Snack procurement RFP managed on your behalf
One (1) emergency birthday-party crisis intervention
Apex
Tier 5 — Sovereign Family Office
$38,000/ mo
Status: apex-optimized dynasty
24/7 CPO plus a shadow CPO who monitors the CPO
Undercover Gentle-Parenting Enforcement Auditors at all playdates
Preemptive Ivy League narrative construction (starts in utero)
Grandparent Advice Firewall with legal escalation path
Your child receives a LinkedIn before a name
▮INFANT ALPHA INDEX +2.4% — driven by unexplained afternoon nap▮BREAKING: local toddler eats one (1) vegetable, valuation re-rated to BUY▮GPEA fines 14,250 parents for unverified enthusiasm▮COLOSTRUM FUTURES limit-up for third consecutive session▮Mandarin immersion hours per child hits all-time high of 6.2/day▮Guilt credits from Lisbon trading at a 12% discount to Paris▮ANALYST NOTE: hugs remain an unhedged liability▮Cold plunge temps down to 51°F across the tri-state nursery complex▮SEC opens inquiry into a four-year-old's sticker chart▮Sleep-regression volatility index (VIXY-BABY) spikes 340%▮Screen time offset market clears at $18 per minute▮Two-year-old completes first successful snack arbitrage▮INFANT ALPHA INDEX +2.4% — driven by unexplained afternoon nap▮BREAKING: local toddler eats one (1) vegetable, valuation re-rated to BUY▮GPEA fines 14,250 parents for unverified enthusiasm▮COLOSTRUM FUTURES limit-up for third consecutive session▮Mandarin immersion hours per child hits all-time high of 6.2/day▮Guilt credits from Lisbon trading at a 12% discount to Paris▮ANALYST NOTE: hugs remain an unhedged liability▮Cold plunge temps down to 51°F across the tri-state nursery complex▮SEC opens inquiry into a four-year-old's sticker chart▮Sleep-regression volatility index (VIXY-BABY) spikes 340%▮Screen time offset market clears at $18 per minute▮Two-year-old completes first successful snack arbitrage